One of the hardest parts of my whole journey has been downplaying something that I've longed for, prayed for, fought for. I am still FIGHTING even though I have this precious soul in my care.
When I'm not in the right mindset, I wonder WHY things have to be so hard. I wonder why it feels like I have EXTRA hurdles within motherhood/adoption...
WHEN IN REALITY, OPPOSITION CAN MEET GROWTH HEAD ON. I Know comparison does not serve my personal path. I Know taking on guilt is a low vibration masked as an effort of trying to stop me from a greater purpose by not allowing myself to step into my role as an adoptive mother. I Know I have to dip before the breakthrough. I Know we are on the BRINK of "the horizon" and our journey is HERE... Just within reach.
I know I can sprint a little longer in this adoption marathon we've been running- I can see the finish line! I have had to periodically take breathers to recognize how HARD this has all been. How resilient I truly am. How strong I've needed to be to jump over each and every hurdle AGAIN and again. I have been doing this for my personal growth and our future child/family.
Michael and I are exhausted and just want to cross that freaking "finish line" already! We can see it. We can look back and see how far we've come. But we can also see a few more hurdles before "the end". We are calling on every semblance of STRENGTH we have left in us right now.
It has been a LONG, beautifully hard five+ years of waiting, healing, and preparing... When I say each part of this journey is harder than the last:
The pause of the desires.
The fork in the road.
The intuitive pull.
The FOLLOWING the intuition.
The adoption PROCESS.
The WAITING.
The saying "NO" to tangible, potential opportunities that didn't feel right.
The disappointments of "leads" not going anywhere.
The meeting expectant mothers.
The being CHOSEN.
The heartbreak of the expectant mothers changing her mind.
The "fork in our original fork in the road".
The course-correct to decide to accept kinship care and do our Home Study AGAIN but through Foster Care instead.
The months of debilitating unknown of the judges reunification/relinquishment decision.
The navigating the transition of moving towards open adoption with healthy boundaries within our own family dynamic.
These were ALL hard in their own way, but I was provided the tools along the way to RISE TO THE OCCASION. Because I look back and I HAVE risen, taking it one step at a time... I've taken what lesson I've needed for my highest good and EVOLVED.
I look back to my journey to motherhood (or should I say my JOURNEY TO BECOMING) and see this woman that has been shaped and molded and gone through SPECIFIC heartbreaking experiences to PREPARE for this very moment. Those tools that I have gathered have helped me heal, feel, transmute, learn, and grow in REAL TIME so I can show up 100 percent FOR this child; amid the exhaustion and opposition and external chaos.
I think back over my ENTIRE LIFE: I have been prepared for this child by going through (and healing) my own experiences so I can help him navigate his own journey (side by side), in a way no one else can. By knowing my life has uniquely prepared me... I can make decisions accordingly, trusting myself, my own journey and perspective. I am trying my best to build a solid, stable, consistent foundation for him first, so he can flourish in the future.
I needed to be developed and strengthened to step into this unique dynamic and that kept me going over each hurdle placed in my path to get to him. Even though my journey looks different than I ever imagined and I don't have that "official title", I realized this is all motherhood, right?
Patience. Rising to the occasion. Advocating. Constantly worrying. Sacrificing your own wants. Big picture thinking for the child's good, amid the temporary discomfort. Listening and following intuitive pulls. Willingness to do the hard thing and doing whatever it takes for your child. Never giving up on something you believe in.
I wouldn't change this hard for the world because the person I have become out of the pain. I just need to let go of resistance and opposition and trust that I am exactly the mom that this child needs and step into this role so he can then be guided into who he is created to be.
Maybe I AM taking her baby that she carried and brought into this world- However, by me letting go of the guilt attached to the statement, that thought can serve as a constant reminder to not have the honor of raising him be lost on me or take motherhood for granted. He is a soul that I am entrusted with on this human experience, but no actual possession. I realize the honor and I am doing him a disservice if I do not step up into into this role accordingly.
I have never been as passionate about anything as I am about building an empowered, self-confident, healer for the future. And that starts with me. And it starts now.
So today, this Mother's Day, I know I need to let go of any resistance and embrace my journey to motherhood. It is a part of my purpose, but is not solely what defines me.
Motherhood has filled a missing piece of healing my heart, healing mother wounds, and continuing my path to become more WHOLE. For myself and for the future.
I will continue to heal myself because I know it has healed past generations and by striving for that wholeness, I can heal generations to come. There is no greater honor or responsibility.
Comentários