I started writing these thoughts after a painful experience of TWO expectant mothers coming into our reality within weeks of each other, then falling through within HOURS of one another. (July 4, 2020- August 30, 2020)
As I was feeling through that heartache, I internally knew I needed to have the SAME thought of "What is meant for me will stay and not force what isn't meant for me." when we had TWO possibilities and then when we were back to NOTHING.
I have been functioning on disappointment after disappointment these last couple of years. And even though I could see the pattern of a breakthrough shortly following the discomfort, it was still hard to let myself FEEL excitement and hope to protect myself. But I was doing myself a disservice because my natural state is joy, peace, love, elation, and happiness.
I've come to realize that life is NOT meant to be downplayed!
ALL emotions are meant to be felt because they are fleeting and temporary. Positive and negative, coming and going, in and out like waves.
And MY experience is meant to be embraced!
I often get comments how positive I am. I don't feel like it has necessarily been my natural state of mind. Let me explain:
Losing a parent, I have functioned at worst-case-scenario for many years.
In a way, always straddled between two thought patterns:
"Life is beautiful" and "This human experience is HARD".
Reality and my higher-self.
Head space and heart space.
Yet, I've always (even as a young girl) had this Inner Knowing that everything will be okay.
So,
It has taken a CONSCIOUS SHIFT and thought-work to come BACK to my higher-self taking priority instead of my mind wandering into the dark spaces of the what if's.
Simply observing those thoughts, honoring the feelings, then getting back on track.
Life generally goes well and I'm truly BLESSED but when something unexpected happens, I come unraveled! I freeze and don't want to deal with it.
At first.
But I give myself grace that it's okay that life has a hiccup and I need to feel that disappointment of things not going according to "plan". It is necessary to FEEL all of those human emotions that pop up! Then, when you are ready, return to your higher perspective and find a solution to the problem and see the lesson for your personal growth in your own journey... Because it only gets you so far feeling sorry for yourself and you can get stuck in those negative feelings.
I'm sure in some ways, looking for the silver lining has been a coping mechanism for me. In other ways, it's my higher-self telling me there is a REASON I'm going through this experience. Plus, it simply FEELS better.
Shifting "Why is this happening to me?" TO "What is this trying to teach me??" has helped me immensely. There is a purpose for everything that comes into your experience!
Even as a child, losing my Mom to cancer- I have never wanted to be a victim to my circumstances, I don't want my experiences to define who I am, and I have never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me.
To talk about it back then was very emotionally charged and I didn't have the emotional/mental maturity or coping skills to deal. But eventually, things needed to be talked about to HEAL.
So it has taken years to learn to FEEL through those emotions (without being victim to my story). Sharing my story to heal, first. Now, sharing my story to connect with others and to take the lessons from my own heartache to HELP others through similar experiences.
It all takes vulnerability.
I continue to try to come from an empowered state.
I am not victim.
I always have choice.
I can choose how I SEE my circumstances.
I can come from a space of love.
I can move forward in faith, even when I don't know HOW it will work out.
I can rise to any occasion.
I am whole.
I am supported.
So, ask the question: How can I use this painful experience for GOOD? How can I step out of victim mode and come from a place of power? How can I make a difference THROUGH what I am going through?? How can this circumstance shape and refine me?
I have always been resilient.
The more I practice, the easier it is to getting to get back on track.
You start seeing patterns in life. The pattern that despite what discomfort/heartbreak you have gone through, life can take a twist for something better: An exceeded expectation.
The confidence in the Knowing grows, even when the scenario hasn't played out. I'm healing through it faster because I'm letting go of resistance. The clarity, the problem solving, and the perspective shine through. I'm still having healing moments come up, of course... I'm just being okay with the discomfort, digging deep inside myself what needs to be healed, feeling through it, then moving on with more ease.
I internally know everything is going to be okay- Even through trials.
I'm learning to thrive amid adversity.
I'm expanding.
It is helping me remain curious and open to what it is trying to teach me.
Even in the darkness, there is always light to grasp to get through!
These last few months, I navigated a debilitating unknown of kinship care... Taking a calculated "risk". Yet again. After following a difficult path of adoption that I firmly believe in. Worried it was just going to be another stepping stone to my journey... Yet, having a feeling it would all work out and to stay grounded and patient a little bit longer while things unfold.
An experience solidifying what I have been mindfully working on not being attached to the outcome and finding happiness NOW. Looking for the good feeling thought, regardless of circumstance. Finding JOY in the present moment.
Even though I have my physical "manifestation", there is a whole other side of discomfort attached. It has been another reminder to not have the "I will be happy when..." or "the grass is greener on the other side" mentality because there will always be SOMETHING stretching us, right?
So remember: Having an attitude of gratitude will help find more and more to be grateful for and assist in being mindfully present- regardless of what we are going through.
And what you focus on grows.
This whole journey has felt like it was waiting on ME to heal and prepare myself and go through MAJOR breakthroughs. And last summer, I felt a shift happen because I was... ready.
Of course, there will always be things that trigger us to heal more pieces of ourselves. Of course, there is always room for growth. Of course, unexpected things happen.
But there was immense growth to prepare me for motherhood and I can already tell it is continuing to refine me. In real time, I am faced with finding my voice and advocating for someone else's needs. Something that has never come naturally to this people pleaser. But I cannot bend my boundaries for other's comforts any longer. I cannot downplay my experience anymore! I cannot please everyone. The more whole I am, the more I can bring to my relationships and show up in alignment with who I was created to be!
Everything else will eventually fall into place.
I asked Michael what he learned throughout this journey and he said, "Being comfortable in the discomfort".
I just love him! I love his simplicity and his grounded nature.
We worked on ourselves.
We enjoyed the time together, just us.
We built a sturdy foundation
We have stood together; Being okay with the unknown. Patiently waiting and supporting each other through this process. I'm extremely grateful for Michael and going through life along side with him. He never complains and is always eager to help. Entering into parenthood, I'm grateful we have built a solid foundation of love and respect. Whatever comes up, we will rise to the occasion. Individually and together. Being refined in the meantime...
Despite this difficult journey, it has exceeded my every expectation. I am blessed with not only my soulmate, but a piece of him as well. Looking back at each step that was harder than the last, yet confidence growing that I will rise to the occasion and I am stronger and more refined than before.
And THAT is my exceeded expectation.
Two years ago, this quote gave me hope when I couldn't see the whole picture.
"What God has in store for you is much greater than you've imagined. Sooner rather than later, you are going to come into some of these exceeded expectations. Put your faith out there. You can't have faith if you don't first have hope. God has it all figured out. He knows what you are going to need. He knows who you are going to need. He's lining up the right breaks. The right people. He's lining your steps. You may wonder how you are going to accomplish your dreams. God has all the right people lined up. He knows how to put you at he right place. He's going to make things happen that you didn't see coming. Stay encouraged. God is not only going to bring you out, he's going to bring you out better than you were before- Exceed expectations. He's going to take you places that you've never dreamed". -Joel Osteen
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